No Secrets.....My Testimony (part 5) Swimming in Foolishness!!!

     It was July 19th and I sat on a bench in the Grapevine Mills mall with three tickets to the Aquarium in my hand. I called my wife and asked her to pray for me. I was so scared I was shaking and my stomach started to hurt. I thought several times of changing my mind and running away. But as I prayed and thought of my wife praying for me I knew I had to trust in God and man up. It was admittedly awkward at first getting to meet Avery for the first time. She was grown and she just thought I was this random guy. I hadn’t spoken to her in person for her entire life and I can only imagine what was going on in that little head of hers. But at the end of that day I felt so relieved to have finally met her. It made me think of my girls back home and how much they were alike. It also made me ask myself why? Why did I run from this little girl who was funny, and beautiful and awesome to be around? I guess I would have to compare it to how we run from God. It is our own fear of falling short that makes us run from things, and it's foolish. We lose so much in the process that we don't realize the joy that can come from it. We focus too much on the pain, and we hide. I could go on and on about this particular matter, but I won't because it is too personal. I hold this experience dear to my heart and it is too hard to describe properly and I fear I will not serve it justice. Needless to say, later that day Avery found out who I was and it has been a rewarding work in progress since and completely worth it.


     After I returned from Texas I felt as though my heart was opened up in a new way. I felt like God was moving me toward something big and this was an important chapter in my life. I started to strive to make all things in my life better. But something still wasn't right. I felt as though I had made these steps but I just couldn't move forward. I felt stuck, but I slowly started to realize that there were things about me that were changing, things that I could not change myself. Only Christ has the power to change a heart, only Christ can turn hate into love, only Christ can turn fear into power, and only Christ can forgive the unforgiving. I finally started to understand the true meaning of John 3:16. God didn't send his son to die just for me, he died for the WORLD. I had to accept that in a major way, Jesus suffered and died so that WHOEVER believes in him shall not perish. Who was I to put myself above anyone because they don't look or act like me? Christ came down for the lost and not for the righteous. So what if I was trying to live my life the right way! I found myself too busy pointing out others flaws as if I was some kind of redeemed Pharisee. I finally had to realize that I am first and foremost a sinner above all things. I will never be holy in any way, yet I was judging people and I still had it stuck in my mind that we are different because we look, feel, speak, and act differently. But I finally got the news flash: The blood of the lamb was spilled for the world and not just some of it, all of it.

     Wow! I saw myself still allowing my prejudice to rule over certain parts of my life. Yet I sat there is church thinking to myself how happy I was that I, me, and my salvation had been accounted for. God sees it very differently and trust me when I say that I'm pretty sure he is right. But why was I still thinking along these lines? Why was I now allowing the pride of my new found transition so appealing? I found a chapter in a book a while back that was starting to make sense to me now. Not a Fan has a chapter that is solely based on Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." I realized that I had to deny myself and all of my desires to follow Jesus, the only role model. Here I was, lost again and angry with myself because I wanted to be the "perfect Christian." What a fool I had become so quickly. I found that denying myself would involve giving up all my desires to be committed to Christ and follow him no matter what. The book lays it out clearly; did I want to be a fan? Did I want to smile and rejoice in being “saved?” Or did I want to do more.

     But first I had done something, yes I know, why does he keep saying that? Because God reveals to us the answers through scripture and people. This last year I have taken one and I am currently on my second session of this series called 33. It speaks of God's plan for biblical manhood and it hits you where it counts.... The heart. I learned in this class that we must first love God then love our wives and everything else will trickle down from there. Crazy talk!!! I am supposed to love my kids first then my wife! Well guess what, only a foolish man makes that choice and I was being very foolish. I learned in this class that I was failing miserably at the one and only thing God wanted me to do right. The first book in the bible clearly states that a man is supposed to love his wife fully, not just conveniently. Remember when I spoke of forgiveness? Forgiving my wife?

To be continued....

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11