No Secrets.....My Testimony (part 4) Trust!!!

               Sometimes to get over the past and to move on you have to turn around and hit it head on instead of running from it. I had so much pain and anger built inside of me that had taken up so much of my heart that there was not much left to give. I’ve come to understand that Jesus can help you repair the wounds and heal the scars if you let him. But that is something easier said than done. I had to face my fears and address these issues that I had let secretly rule my life in one way or another if I was ever going to get through life. But like all things it had to start from the top down. The barriers I had built up between my wife and I had to come down. That was a wall that was going to take a lot of time and effort and still does to this day. But to love my wife I had to first love myself and to love myself I had to own up to my faults and fears by addressing the people who had caused me pain.


     Since I was young I have felt alone. I was adopted before I was born and without knowing it, I had developed a sense of being unwanted. I always felt like I had missed out on something and I have always wondered what my life would have been like. PLEASE do not misinterpret this; I love my family and my life. But it would take 28 years for me to realize that my life DID have meaning and God's hand moved me into a family that loved me and I am more that grateful for them. I wasn't alone, but it felt like I was and it led me down some bad paths in life and I did not have much direction. I pushed myself to respond to this emptiness I had felt and just let loose. I wrote letters and more letters to people I had done wrong and felt had done wrong to me. I had face to face conversations with people I had developed issues with and begged for forgiveness. I approached people that I built walls up against for no reason and I tore them down and learned to humble myself to them. It was liberating, to say the least, to get all of that off of my chest. But there was one issue I had not yet addressed and just the thought of it made my heart ache. But I had to do it, my journey would not fully begin without this step or should I say giant leap.

     Seven years ago I chose NOT to be a part of my daughter Avery's life. I and My wife were moving away and my own selfishness and fear got in the way and told me to stay away. I figured if I just left it alone it would go away and everything would be fine. I feared that if I got involved with her life I might fail and she would hate me. I thought it would be better if she never knew me, just like I have never known my biological parents. Luckily I realized the impact that not knowing my biological parents had on me. This movie that I had watched (“Courageous”, a must see) ended up becoming a truly life changing experience and the only explanation I have for it is G-O-D. I didn't want to go my whole life denying myself a chance to know her or my daughter a chance to know me. I wanted her to know that I loved her and she was very important to me. In a way I am grateful that I realized this after letting Jesus lead my life, because I don't think I was in the right state of mind prior to this point. Don't get me wrong I was not a whacked out loser of a father or husband before, but my heart was not in the right place for too long and that is dangerous if you let it control you. I knew we could never get back all the time I hid from her. But I wanted to make an effort, and first I had to ask permission.

     It was the hardest letter I think I ever had to write, but I did it anyway. It was not going to be easy but I wanted to trust that God had a plan, and he did. I asked for forgiveness and a chance to get to know her in any way possible. She agreed and I started to write to Avery as a friend of her mother's. We corresponded back and forth for months and it was an amazing experience. It hurt in a way to realize how foolish I had been for so long. It also pushed me even more to try and be a better leader in my own house. I am terrible in this area but I really want to get better and I know it will take some time.

     I was making progress in my life and trying to seek God in every way. Though I still had some things to overcome and every day is still a constant battle to fight off the temptation, I trust in knowing God is with me. In July of this year (2012 in case you forgot) I was sent down to Texas for a meeting. From the moment I heard I was going I started to think about whether or not I should meet Avery. Just the thought of meeting her made me very uncomfortable because she still didn't know who I was. So I flew down and had discussed shortly before, after seeking God and my wife's advice, if I should try and meet her. I have to admit that I was utterly petrified by the thought.

To be continued......

   


"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11