No Secrets.....My Testimony (part 2) Falling Down!!!

   
     When I arrived in Afghanistan I was an outcast and didn't know how to make friends. I had denied God and just kind of wanted to survive on my own. My marriage got rough at first but my wife held on and tried to keep in touch. I started to shut her out and get caught up in the fact that I was lonely. I remember Christmas Eve and Christmas day, not knowing anyone, watching the entire season one of 24. That's almost twenty four hours straight of just sitting in a wooden "box" about 6 feet x 6 feet. I slowly began to get to know some folks but I also became the blunt of their jokes. The winter was cold and being there humbled me to a point of a weird mental state. Seeing a man kiss his son's feet in the hospital who was about to die of his wounds from an IED. Getting caught in a rut and left by a unit on a random field outing and truly fearing death is a bad feeling. I can remember watching a rocket fly overheard my guard station and land no more than 40 feet away and the alarms sounding and bullets flying. Seeing fellow Soldiers lying in a bed mortally wounded is a just a terrible thing to see. I was scared and confused, and as Yoda says “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I love that little green guy.  I was not over there long but it was an experience I'll never forget. I honestly never really thought of God in that entire trip, although he was always with me.


       When I returned I was not the same man I was before. I had this sense of entitlement and pride all in one. I got to see my Daughter Riley born, and I also found out I had another Daughter named Avery who had been born before I left. Remember that life changing information? Yes, well that was it. We, mainly I, were on bad terms and I chose to stay out of her life for 8 years. It was not any easy decision but at the time I thought it was the best. I had returned to my Restaurant job expecting some kind of raise or better position. I kind of got one, but it was not what I was promised before, it made me angry. I started to work late nights and go drinking afterwards. I spent almost six months on this path not realizing what I was doing. My mind was heavy laden and I could not accept the fact that I had left for Afghanistan as one person, yet when I returned my life was something completely different. One day I got the news that the restaurant I was working in was closing the next day, it also made me angry. The owner never really bothered to tell us. I ended up getting a part time job until my new permanent job came along.

     This new job would require me to uproot my new family and move to a brand new city. We moved up to Washington DC in 2006 and things started to improve. We had another Daughter Faith in 2007. We had been attending a local Church but my heart was not in it. I went, reluctantly, most of the time and usually tuned everyone out. "I wasn't buying into the scam" I told myself. By that time my marriage was falling apart and I was angry all the time. I had no idea what direction my life was going and I didn't really care. I started to make more selfish decisions and figured none of it really mattered anyway. I had fallen into what I call Satan's little trap. Satan (who is very real) is called the great deceiver. T is because he has an amazing ability to make us not believe in ourselves while at the same time telling us that we should be relying totally on ourselves to rule our own life. He had me convinced that I was nothing and I was going nowhere. It made me angry.

     We moved to VA in 2009 and I began to think more and more about hate, and my failures. I was extremely unhappy with my life and it just grew. I spent most of my time loving nothing and hiding from my family. I got lost in the things of this world that are so easy to fall in love with. I was more lost than I ever was, and I had abandoned all hope. I had concluded that the Church was stupid, and it was nothing but a bunch of sissy's who couldn’t do anything on their own. They were wasting their money helping third world countries that were nothing but mounds of dirt under my fingernails, so I had made myself believe. I had gotten onto a warpath of self destruction; I loved nothing but myself and only sought to please ME!

     I am not sure why or what led me to this, but I was on my deck smoking a cigarette around November of 2011. I just started to think about my life, I looked up and decided to ask God for help. I hadn't truly acknowledged his existence for almost ten years. I didn't say much, but I guess I didn't have to. Little did I know that when I asked God for a life changing experience and some motivation to take my dog for a walk, that he was going to respond in a major way. But he is God and he always does.

To be continued.....

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11