No Secrets.....My Testimony (part 3) Finding Strength in the pain!!!

          I was hurting inside and angry at the world, I had lost my drive. I love my wife but I wasn’t respecting her, there were skeleton's in the closet that needed to come out. But like all things God wanted me to start somewhere that would give me some confidence again. I felt this overwhelming urge to get my life back on track, so I went full board and stepped up to the task. I felt a new motivation in life and I began to focus on my diet, my health and my body. I started hitting the gym and eating the right foods in a little over 6 weeks I had managed to drop almost 30 lbs and quit smoking. I was proud of myself and so was my wife, but as I started to change there were others around me who were not meeting my needs as friends and a good support group. All the changes were not enough to satisfy my heart’s emptiness.


     I decided to start searching for new friends and people that could help me along the way and would be there for me. We left our Church in search of new direction and we dropped into a couple of services here or there to try and find a good fit. I wanted a mainstream church with some flare and rock music. I wanted something that would meet MY views and would be what I wanted instead of following God’s direction. Every time we went it was one reason or another that I found that was just not good enough. Then we decided to try a Church that we ran across at the mall back on Halloween and thought it would be of some interest. I didn't realize at the time that God had been speaking to me every week.

     Jeremiah 29:13 says that we will find God when we seek him with all of our heart. This was the first church I felt as though I wanted to trust God and let him speak to me, after all it was a bible preaching Baptist church with old folks and pews, and at first I hated it. But we went into service anyway and it was a guest speaker preaching about taking a leap of faith in God because he doesn't always provide the answer; sometimes we just have to trust that in the end he will be there for us and if we trust him we will always come out on top. So I took his advice, because as I sat there I had one of those famous "God was talking directly to me" moments. My Honda at the time was dying and I needed a new car and didn't think I could afford it. It was Christmas time and well you know how it is. But I bought the car anyway; I took a leap of faith.

     I can't recall if we went back to the same Church that next weekend or not, I don't think we did. But God was still working in me, he spoke to me daily as I sought him in ways I can't explain but were very real. I do remember returning to that Church (now our current) again not soon after so we could hear the main pastor speak. Right before we did I came down with a 48 hour bug that hit me really hard. It was bad and I don't want to get into the details, but it did give me an opportunity to watch this movie called "Courageous." A movie I doubt I would have ever seen if I had not gotten sick. Instantly it hit me right in the gut and brought me to tears. As the story unfolded it was real in a way I never truly felt. It called me out and made me think about my life as a husband and father. It made me realize that even though I was trying to seek God it wasn't enough. I needed to change and it would only happen from the inside out and it would only happen with Christ at the wheel. I gave it to him right there and low and behold just to confirm that God really was slapping me across the face; that next Sunday we went back to that Church and it was amazing. He spoke about biblical marriage and the love and respect that comes with it. It was a sermon we both needed to hear at that exact moment. My wife and I both decided it was going to be our new church home. But that night something happened, something that had to happen. I had a major falling out with Dawn that got downright ugly. Things came out that I didn't think would ever come out. But, I promised to change and I also summoned the strength from God to forgive, and forgiveness is a hard thing to do.

     To come about change one has to accept defeat. I had to come to grips that I had been trying to do things my way and the world’s way. I needed to do things God's way. I started to seek God more and more and every week I learned more and more about God's plan for my life and how he wanted to use me. Along with trying to make things right with my marriage and be the Man my wife needed me to be and Father my children deserved I had one more gigantic obstacle to overcome, and that obstacle started with a series of letters. It also involved one letter in particular that was going to be the hardest.

To be continued....

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11